*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
the world’s most popular steaming services
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
sry