Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Said the murderer.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.