The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.