Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
me linking you to my twitter
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything