Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You Might Also Like
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
hmmm
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel