I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now