law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*