[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.