Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.