chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳