“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”