[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Deer are just ballerina dogs
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.