Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Oh we’ve met.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I love you to the refrigerator and back
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.