pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
You Might Also Like
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.