#Caturday
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
What an awful time to have common sense.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
How high do the levels go?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.