The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?