I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Banking tips
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.