My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I don’t get marriage
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍