tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.