Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Thursday
best first i’ve ever seen
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.