I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.