Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You Might Also Like
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs