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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
What about second breakfast?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
LMAO.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history