Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”