I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You Might Also Like
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
these two trucks have the same bed length
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight