My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
tis the season
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.