People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear