I think they could have phrased this better
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!