If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
oh my gosh!!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Omg 🤣
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
this is me
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?