My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me sliding into hell like
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
repaired
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]