What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
They’re called werewolves.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.