2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen