We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
You Might Also Like
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?