[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
When you’re here for the treats.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
the clam before the storm
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.