The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
reviewed some movies recently
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.