*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO