Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*