Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
What an awful time to have common sense.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.