My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Blew my mind.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBoxâ„¢ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Good Morning.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.