*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Big Sex has us all fooled
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.