Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too