The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.