I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
best first i’ve ever seen
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
gentlemen, hear me out
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.