One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me too 😆
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.