I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Oh we’ve met.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.