does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what