*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
when someone rings the doorbell
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.