when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down