What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it