How did we decide to go with cockpit?
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”